It wasn't until Knox spit up the full contents of his last bottle down the inside of shirt that I lost it. I stood in the kitchen eating nacho-flavored tortilla chips as Edie sat on the plastic potty for the third consecutive hour yelling at me that she didn't have to go and that she wants to wear diapers forever and I began sobbing. And through the tears, all I could think of was Jim Gaffigan's stand up bit where he talks about what having kids feels like....


"Imagine you're drowning. And then imagine someone throws you a baby..." 


Life feels a lot like that right now. Like I'm drowning in reflux and potty training and weaning and sleep training and sleep depravation and a postpartum identity crisis. I don't want to complain. It feels so ridiculous to complain about such privileged problems, problems I chose to submerge myself in when I CHOSE to stay at home with our children. I want to be able to say that I feel on top of the world and that being a mother is the greatest and that I feel fulfilled by the monotony. But today, I won't say that.

Because, today, I can't say that.

Today, I am going to acknowledge the feelings that nobody wants to talk about because we worry that it makes us look like an ungrateful asshole. And it may make me look like an asshole but today, I don't really give a shit. 


Because today, I don't so much like being a mom.


Today I wish I didn't feel like I'm drowning. Today, I wish my life wasn't ruled by monotony. Today, I wish I had a taste of my old, carefree, childless life. Today, I wish I didn't feel like crying into my tortilla chips was my only option. Today, I wish I didn't always smell like one of their bodily functions or that my clothes weren't always stained by one of them wiping their dirty mouths. Today I wish I didn't only buy clothes that are solely functional and "play-date appropriate". Today, I want to know what it feels like to have an identity outside of my kids. Today, I resent how all-consuming it is. Today, I wish I didn't have the responsibility of keeping it together in front of the three people who are the source of why I am struggling to keep it together. Today, I wish I could go on strike and tell everyone in my house to fuck off.


Today, I wish my hair wasn't falling out and I weighed ten pounds less than I do. Today, I wish my boobs didn't look like sad, empty bags of nothing. Today, I wish my idea of a good time wasn't just a nap that isn't interrupted by a toddler jumping on my face. Today, I envy the boozy brunch crowd. Today, I envy the women who don't have chronic hemorrhoids from pushing out three children. Today, I wish I could drop everything and do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it, and that I didn't have to leave a detailed list of directions for whoever I leave in charge of who I'm running from.


Today, I'm allowing myself to resent my husband. Today, I'm allowing myself to say that it isn't fair that he doesn't have to grow, birth, or feed humans with his body or deal with postpartum hormones. Today, I'm admitting that it isn't fair that he never has to look in the mirror and struggle with not recognizing who he sees staring back at him. Today, I'm letting myself be angry that whether or not I stay at home with our kids, the bulk of the day-to-day responsibility of raising our kids will always fall on me. Today, I'm calling it bullshit that he will never have to know the depth and darkness that I experience battling postpartum hormones nor will he ever fully understand it.


Today, I wish it were me leaving the house each morning to escape the noise, the arguing, the tantrums, the ass-wiping. Today, I wish it were me who could go out of town for a week and and eat a hot meal at a hotel bar by myself while I talk to strangers. Today, I wish it were me who has the important job with an official title; the job you can't wear yoga pants to, the job that allows you to consult other adults about things other than whether or not your charges pooped today. 


Today, I won't preface these feelings with the I love my kids, I really do speech. Today, I wish I didn't feel an ever-present guilt because of a fucked-up culturally engrained myth of the perfect mother. Today, I don't care that there will always be some aspect of motherhood that I could most certainly be doing better at. Today, I'm not going to acknowledge the persistent anxiety that has attached itself to my experience of motherhood like the fucking life-draining leech that anxiety is. Today, I'm going to admit that sometimes, I don't want to fucking cuddle at bedtime. Or ever, actually. Today, I'm going to admit that when my kids yell at me, it takes more self-control that I ever knew I possessed to not scream back even louder and call them an asshole. 


Today, in this very moment, I'm going to admit that I'm struggling.


Today, as I type this, I'm reminding myself that it's okay to not be okay all of the time.


Today, crying into nacho-flavored tortilla chips felt better than eating nacho-flavored tortilla chips.


Today, I will not feel guilty for being human. 


Today, I will validate my feelings in the name of self-care. 


Today, I feel like I'm drowning. 



Today, I'm really looking forward to tomorrow.

a parting gift | DIY all-natural body scrubs

As a party parting gift, I whipped together two different variations of an all-natural foot scrub for my mama friends. Though they may look all kinds of clever and crafty, it would be misleading of me to not divulge that they're incredibly easy to make or to allow any fanfare over my non-existent pinterest-y capabilities. 

In case you want to make some for yourself (they also make thoughtful stocking stuffers and hostess gifts!), here's the recipe along with a bonus organic coffee + brown sugar body scrub that I made due to a spare ten minutes and an abundance of leftover mason jars.

Foot + Body Scrub

(makes about eight 4 oz jars)

The Scrub Base:

2 cups mineral sea salt

2 cups Pacific sea salt

8 oz  fractioned coconut oil


Peppermint Foot + Body Scrub

10 drops peppermint essential oil

10 drops melaleuca essential oil (tea tree)

10 drops eucalyptus essential oil


Citrus Hand + Body Scrub

10 drops grapefruit essential oil

12 drops wild orange essential oil

8 drops lemon essential oil

Mix salts and oil together in a large nonporous bowl (plastic or glass is best) and add in the essential oil combination of your choice. It should have a wet sand-like consistency without an abundant excess of oil like you often see when you buy a pre-packaged scrub from the store. Ration into jars. 

*You need to wash your bowl with soap and water after making peppermint-based scrub. Peppermint oil tends to mask any other scent you may want to be using. Also, be sure to not touch your eyes after handling the peppermint oil. It's just as bad, if not worse, than a jalapeño. 

**Other great oil combinations would be lavender + ylang ylang + roman chamomile and rose + geranium



Sugar Body Scrub

(makes about 4-4 oz mason jars)

1 cup organic dark brown sugar

1 cup organic coffee

2 tbsp raw Manuka honey

4 oz organic sweet almond oil (jojoba oil would work just as well) 

*a coarse to medium ground coffee works best in this scrub.



**a note on presentation**

Any jar that has a tight fitting lid will work well for this. I bought two of these 12-packs and they worked particularly well. They also happen to be especially cute for gift giving and rather cost effective.

I also bought these cute mini burlap sacks to use in lieu of traditional gift bags and attached craft paper gift tags listing the scrub details. I added one of these ridiculously adorable tiny wooden scoops into each of the bags that I scored on Amazon as an extra little touch because I, personally, can't stand having to use my hand to scoop out scrub; it always gets under my fingernails and irks me to no end. Which is clearly ridiculous seeing as how I obviously have to... you know... use my hands to actually massage the scrub onto my body.