the mom I want to be

So, here's the thing....


I very much want to be the mom who doesn't gets frustrated when her kid seems to always be sick. I aim to be the mom who doesn't lose her patience and begins crying at three a.m. because her baby is so uncomfortable and miserable that she can't stop moving and let herself fall asleep and there is nothing she can do to help her. I ache to be the mom who handles being tired well, never leading on to anyone she comes across that she's so fucking exhausted she can't see straight. I aspire to be the mom who doesn't resent her husband when he leaves to go out of town with their other daughter to go have fun in Chapel Hill while she stays back and holds down the fort and sleeps beside what looks like The Bubonic Plague. I should be the mom who is nothing less than honored to be the ONLY person her sick kid wants to hold her in the middle of the night. I yearn to be the mom who somehow always manages to make it better, no matter the circumstances, no matter the ailments, no matter the time of day (or night). I am desperate to be the mom who isn't anxious and worried about catching what her kid has and how that would affect her upcoming (already paid for) vacation in five days. I wish I was the mom who never felt sorry for herself because she knows that her life is still pretty fucking grand.


I am not that mom.


At least, I'm not that mom today.


But I am the mom who never turns down a hug or opportunity for her baby to nuzzle her neck, even when she fears she could catch the Bubonic Plague by doing so. I'm the mom who, when facing that feeling of helplessness, will always be helpful by soothing her baby's soul via her belly. I'm the mom who emotionally and mentally bears the weight of her baby being sick and would do anything in her power to take away the pain. I'm the mom who lays in the grass for over an hour as she watches her miserable baby touch every single blade of grass she desires because if being outside makes her happy, goddammit, this mom will stay out here forever. I'm the mom who knows her baby so intrinsically, down to every last detail, that she knows immediately, deep down in her bones, when something is off.


I'm the mom who gives herself some grace, apologizes for her exhaustion-induced grumpiness when she snaps, tries her best to be her best, and loves her family with every thing she has.


I'm the mom who has learned over the years that, more often than not, the mom we are is the only mom we need to be. The wishings and the wantings and those feelings of not quite measuring up to the ideal we have in our head of the mom we should be don't actually matter to the people who really matter. 


And, some days, the simple reminder that you and your best are enough is enough to make you feel like the mom you so badly want to be.